Brain vs Heart in the dawn of the hardest night
by Isabella1020
Summary: If she had to stay the entire night awake in order to forget about that day, then so be it. She could stand lack of sleep. What she couldn't stand was feeling like a criminal for breaking the heart of two men in the same moment, in the same night. A/U.
1. Actions, 12:30 AM to 2:00 AM

**Author's Note:** I've been wanting to post this for a few weeks (ever since I've written it) but I still had to figure some thing's out, read it and correct it. (Before I forget it, thanks to Dai for her beta-reading help and for coming up with the wonderful idea for the title of this story. Also, thanks for being such a supportive, understanding friend. Anyway, I don't want to start rambling, so I'll go straight to the point: I wanted to wirte about Pam's reaction to the events of 'Casino Night' (Season Two Finale.) This is totally fictional, but I thnik it's realistic since I tried to be accurate with the way Pam reacts to this kind of things. It's going to be a two-shot. Pam's POV all the time, even during the dream it's not exactly her the one that's talking. I hope you guys like it. Even if you don't, please leave a review. Crtitics are also appreciated.

* * *

Pam mentally thanked God that Roy had left for home earlier. Being forced to see him in that state would have been an invitation for disaster. She simply couldn't deal with him that night. She had had a lot of more important things to think about.

With a slightly shaking hand, she paid the cab driver and got out of the car. She made her way inside of the building as fast as possible, and decided to take the stairs because the elevator wouldn't come quick enough no matter how hard she pushed the button.

_A little impatient tonight, Beesly. What's the hurry about? _

Once she opened the door to her apartment she forced herself to calm down- by that time, Roy would probably be asleep and she didn't want to wake him up. Trying her best to get her breathing patterns to go back to normal, she tip-toed into the bedroom, picked a sleep shirt and a set of underwear from one of the closet's drawers and grabbed her snickers - at this point Roy slightly stirred in bed and snored a little more loudly, which made her blood freeze in her veins, but he quickly buried his head back into the pillows, and she interpreted it as a propitious sign to exit the room, after which she walked into the bathroom, and locked the door shut.

She carefully set the snickers and the clothes she had taken on top of the toilet.

Standing in front of the mirror, she quickly and efficiently wiped off the last traces of make up from her face. She removed her pearl earrings, the hair barrette (some of her curls, free of the imposed submission, fell freely around her face) and the silver bracelet and put them inside the bathroom cabinet, scolding herself for not leaving them in the bedroom before.

She kicked off her shoes and they landed in the opposite corner of the room. After that, she proceeded to take off her dress (she felt an unexplainable, irresistible urge of throwing it away from her, and so it ended up landing over all wrinkled on top of the shoes), her panties and ultimately her underwear.

Taking her eyes off the mirror, she got into the shower, drew the curtains and turned on the faucets. As the warm water fell down on her, she closed her eyes and let herself sink into the floor, where she sat, embracing her knees and leaning her head on the cold tiles, as the memories and feelings of that night came flooding back to her .

* * *

"Hey."

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Good, especially after I took all your money on Poker."

"Yeah. Hey, uh, can I talk to you about something?"

"About when you wanna give me more of your money? We can do that now. We can go inside. I'm feelin' kinda good tonight."

"I was just, um… "And before he knew what he was doing, the words came out of his mouth. "I'm in love with you."

_Wait- what? _

"What?"She couldn't think of anything else to say, so she looked at him in awe, hoping that he would say he was joking; waiting for a smile to crack up his face. But his expression was deadpanning serious.

_Jim's in love with me._

"I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to... hear it."He continued, looking at her as she stood silent. "Probably not good timing, I know that, I just..."

"What are you doing?"She looked at him demandingly, as tears formed in her eyes. "What do you expect me to say to that?"

"I just needed you to know... once."

"Well, I… um I can't."

"Yeah."He mumbled as he looked down at his feet and stepped back.

"You have no idea… "She started, but he cut her off.

"Don't do that."

"...what your friendship means to me."

"C'mon. I don't wanna do that. I want to be _more_ than that."

"I can't." She paused, trying to make him understand that she had made a choice years before, a choice she had to stick to, although she felt like something inside of her was falling apart. Her legs were shaking slightly." I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things."She said softly. "It's probably my fault."

"Not your fault."He shook his head as one single tear ran down his cheek. "I'm sorry I misinterpreted, uh, our friendship."He walked away, back to his car, leaving her standing there on her own.

She wondered how things had reached that point.

And how in Hell were they supposed to go on after that.

* * *

Silent tears started streaming down her face, and suddenly she couldn't stop. Forcing herself to regain composure, she stood up and methodically soaped herself, then furiously brushed her skin with a sponge until it reddened, before she let the water wash off the soap. After washing her hair, she turned off the faucets and got out of the shower, firmly wrapping a towel around her torso.

She wiped her mussed curls and got dressed quickly, glancing at the shimmering blue dress every once in a while, as if she was afraid it would disappear in front of her eyes before she had the chance to lay a hand on it.

Finally, she walked out of the bathroom, tip-toeing again, and hurried to put the worn clothes on the laundry basket, while putting the heels back into the closet.

And once she was done, she slowly sat on one of the kitchen chairs and sighed deeply. But that calm disappeared soon and she started drumming her fingers on the table surface, quietly enough to avoid being heard.

The clock stroke 12:43 AM.

* * *

Ring.

_Please pick up. Please pick up._

Ring.

_C'mon! I said I'd call you back. Pick up!_

Ring.

"_Hello…"_

"Mom! It's me, Pam. I-"

"_We're not at home right now... "_

_Crap. _

"_Please leave a message after the 'beep' and we'll call you back." _

_God, what do I say?_

Beep.

"Uh… Hey mom. This is Pam… "

_Like you don't know who I am. The only one who's pathetic enough to call you this time of the night instead of facing her problems like an adult. _

"I- I just wanted to finish telling you about what we were talking earlier tonight… "

_You missed the best part. You know what happened right after I hung up? He __kissed __me, mom. He kissed me and then he left because I told him I'd still marry Roy. _

"… But, um, it's not a big deal, don't worry." _Yeah, it's not like I'm having huge doubts about the wedding and feeling terribly guilty for saying no to Jim. _"So I guess I'll call you back soon. I hope you and dad are doing fine… " _Because if something else went wrong I simply couldn't take it._ "Love you two. Bye-bye."

* * *

Pam's gaze drifted from her nails (which she'd spent the last minutes removing the nail polish from) to the laundry basket. The blue dress gleamed weakly as it reflected the light of the only lamp that was on, and it caught her eye like nothing else existed in that room apart from it and her.

That garment reminded her of everything that had happened that night. Everything that had happened in the last few months, even. All of her mistakes, all she had done wrong seemed to be exposed in front of her eyes, like a neon sign. She simply needed to take it away from her sight.

Acting impulsively and automatically, she took the dress, put it inside of a black plastic bag and closed it with a tape; after that, she entered her bedroom and shoved the package into the furthest corner of the closet's drawer, the one she almost never opened. That way, it would be a long time before she had to see the dress again. Probably even years.

When she was finished with that, she went back to the kitchen and sat back on the chair she'd been using. She wanted to cry (again), but she was afraid if she did, she would fall apart or lose her mind, and that wasn't something she couldn't afford to do.

So she remained silent, thinking and watching the clock needles move second by second. She thought about him. She thought about Roy. She thought about herself, the choices she had made and how blind she had been all that time. She tried to think of a way of fixing it all up without breaking anyone's heart, but she couldn't find any.

At a certain point, the clock's incessant _tick-tock _started to make her drowsy, so she leaned her head on her folded arms on the table and she closed her exhausted eyelids. Soon enough she fell into a state of deep sleep.

And the dream she had then was just the strangest thing ever.


	2. The Dream, 2:00 AM to 6:44 AM

The field was perfectly green and its only limit seemed to be the horizon. There were no clouds on the clear, velvet blue, starry sky and a light breeze moved the branches of the trees that were spread around the vast area of land, but the place was mostly empty.

Apart from _them,_ of course.

The little girl seemed to be about five years old and she was wearing a red-dotted pajamas. She slept peacefully, hugging her teddy bear, curled up on a ball on the springy grass. Some of her light brown locks (which gleamed in the moonlight) fell on her tiny face, framing it, and she smiled every once in a while, as if they were tickling her, but she didn't wake up.

There were two identical women sitting on the grass too, one on each side of the girl.

One of them carefully examined the pleats of her filmy, red dress. The other one (who whore a half-white, half-black, strapless dress underneath a grey business jacket) silently contemplated their surroundings, and sighed every once in a while. Suddenly, the woman in red seemed to emerge from her abstraction and spoke.

"Well I hope you're happy. You just made her exhausted."She said, pointing towards the little girl with her head.

The woman in the black and white dress answered slowly and tiredly, not making eye contact. "Please don't start with this, Ophelia. "

"Start with what, _Chloe_?"The woman in red mimicked the exasperation in the other one's tone. "Why are you making this girl stay up all night proceeding with this ridiculous… 'cleansing ritual'? Why can't you leave her alone?"

"It was necessary. She needed to get this night out of her head. Every little trace that she was there and every little trace of what happened needed to be erased."

"You know that is absolutely impossible. I am the one in charge of that and I am not going to let you take away the most important night this girl's had in years. Besides, I believe she had a good time, excepting maybe some tiny bits-"

"_Tiny bits_?" Chloe interrupted, her voice filled with sarcasm. "Please, give me a break. She just learned her best friend's in love with her, and he kissed her- which was totally inappropriate, if I'm allowed to say it. Can you imagine how awkward things are going to be from now on?"

"Okay first off, I hate it when you use that tone. You make the word 'kiss' sound like 'murder' or something."Ophelia made a sound of disgust. "Secondly, you know that he wasn't trying to hurt her or confuse her. He would never do that."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because he's Jim!"

"That doesn't change the fact that he just ruined her life. She getting married in like what, a month?"

"I'm sure he refrained himself from telling her a thousand times and I'm sure he kept his feelings to himself for as long as he could. He's only human. Humans have trouble hiding what they feel, especially for long periods of time. You don't know any of this because of course, you've made her become a master at that. "The woman in red looked angrily at the other one. "You have no idea how hard it is to be in love with someone you know you've got no possibilities with. You have no idea how hard it is to admit that fact, to tell that person how you feel, even when you're afraid that love is unrequited. It takes guts."

"Yeah, whatever. "Chloe sounded half-bored, half-annoyed, as if she'd heard those lines a thousand times but it still made her upset knowing that the other woman was right. "That's not even the point. She's got to forget about him, for her own good."

"What are you talking about?"

"Something tells me Jim's not going to stick around after this. If what you just said is true, it must be awful to be rejected-"

"It is."

"Well, then I'm guessing he'll do something drastic in order to move on from this. Probably, he'll try to get away from her."

"Oh, God. You could actually be right."Ophelia covered her mouth with her hands, in awe. "That would be so, so sad. Poor girl."

"Life goes on."Chloe answered in resignation.

"How can you do that? It worries me that you can be so cold."Ophelia scowled at the other woman. "She's losing her best friend. At the very least. All you can say is 'life goes on'. Seriously, Chloe?"

"It's the truth. You know I can only speak with the facts."

"Well, I'm sick of that. Come on, we've got to do something about this."

"Absolutely not. I refuse to do anything. I'm not getting involved with one of your crazy plans again. "

"My plans _aren't _crazy and you_ never_ use them anyway! You can't be serious about not doing anything. This is a mess. Someone's got to fix it. "

"It is not a mess. You're completely making that up. Things are fine the way they are-"

Chloe's words were interrupted when Ophelia's hand came out of nowhere and slapped her on the cheek. For a moment they both stared at each other, exchanging looks of anger, confusion and amazement.

"Have you gone out of your freaking mind?! How can you dare slapping me-"

"Shut up. She's _sleeping_."Ophelia hissed in a whisper, pointing at the little girl again. "And I will slap you as many times as I need to in order for you to stop denying reality."Chloe looked at her furiously, but didn't say a word. Ophelia continued. "Things aren't fine, at all. Fact. She has feelings for him. Fact. She's having doubts about her engagement. Fact. There are some things you should fire-burn into your brain. And we should discuss what we're going to do about them. "

"Nothing. We aren't going to do anything because none of that is true."

"Are you trying to get slapped again?"The woman in red raised her voice. "You're really pissing me off today."

"_Fine!"_Chloe's eyes flashed with fury again. "Okay, let's assume those facts are true. Can you tell me what the use on that is? What's the point on admitting the truth if there's nothing we can do about it? Tell me, Ophelia, 'cause I really don't get it! It is _too late_, okay? She made a choice and she can't back out now. It is too late for regrets. He's not giving her a second chance. She lost him and there's nothing we can do. The sooner you accept that, the better for all of us. "

Ophelia's jaw dropped and it took her a couple of seconds to answer."It's never too late, Chloe. Never. Things can always change if you try hard enough. "

"Well, I'm sorry. She's not going to spend the rest of her life crying herself to sleep about him. I won't allow it. I don't want a scandal. She will move on, just as I'm sure he will."

"We don't know if he'll move on. I doubt he can. And I don't think she can either, especially if she doesn't have the time or the chance to think things over because she's supposed to marry another man in a month."

"Not my problem."

Ophelia felt the urge of slapping Chloe again, but she held it back, deep breathed, mentally counted to ten and spoke again, her tone soft and quiet. "Please, don't be so stubborn. I'm just saying she should have some time to think about all this. You can't just expect her to bottle up her feelings inside and act like nothing ever happened. That's not going to be good for anyone. "

Chloe took a couple of minutes before speaking again. "You think she needs time."

"Yes. Among other things."

"You want her to admit the way she feels and give herself some time to think about her future."

"Yes."Ophelia nodded.

"That's actually… not so crazy."Chloe admitted, biting her lower lip. "Having her keeping it all to herself could have negative consequences."

"Exactly. We can't let her marry Roy if she's having doubts about her feelings for him. We can't let her marry someone if there's a possibility she might be in love with someone else. I mean, she could run away during the wedding or something- "

"A total disaster…"Chloe mumbled pensively, interrupting.

"Yeah. But more important, if she marries Roy and then turns out she doesn't love him anymore, she'll be doomed to a life of unhappiness. I can't allow that to happen. You shouldn't allow it either."

"I know that."Chloe sighed and her gaze locked with Ophelia's."So we have to do something. What do we do? What can I do to help?"

"If you're right and Jim goes away, she's going to have to make it through the day without him. As much as I want her to face her feelings, I don't want her to fall apart. You have to help me with that."

"Okay. I'll do it. Can you help me too?"

"Sure."

"She _has_ to try to make it work with Roy. Let her give him a shot, please."

"No problem. But honestly, I don't think it'll work. I can see something's changed deep within her. I think something changed within her a long time ago and I completely missed it. "Ophelia shook her head and bit her lip, frustrated.

"What do you suggest if that's true?"

"Well, obviously she'd have to end her relationship with Roy."

"Oh."The corners of Chloe's mouth dropped, but she remained calm.

"Look at the bright side. At least that'd give her the chance to decide what she wants to do about her future without Roy's impositions. She could go to art school, or get another job, anything she wants."

"That would be nice. She has a lot of projects and plans and I wouldn't like to give up on them."

"I know."Ophelia patted the other woman on the shoulder, understanding. "So we're clear here about our next moves?"

"Yeah. We are going to let her admit her feelings… "

"And then we'll deal with the consequences, together."

The two women smiled sadly at one another. "It's going to be hard."Chloe said.

"It's our duty."Ophelia answered. They shook hands.

"Good luck, Ophelia."

"Good luck, Chloe."

With this they both disappeared, as if they'd vanished in the air. The little girl, now alone, yawned and started to wake up. During the time she had been asleep, the sky above her head had changed its color from velvet blue to purple, and the stars had gone, replaced with the red glare of the daybreak sun, which was coming up from behind the horizon.

It was a beautiful sight.

Too bad she didn't want to watch it.


	3. The Morning, 6:44 AM to 7:15 AM

The sunlight slipped through the little kitchen window, lightening up the room. Pam's eyes fluttered open. Her neck was sore from sleeping in a bad position and her hands felt numb. She looked around, sleepy and drowsy, until her gaze met the clock on the wall.

6:44 AM.

She jumped from her sit, panicking, and started setting the table for breakfast. Roy always woke up around 7:00 AM on Fridays, because Fridays were way busier than the rest of the days of the week, so he had to arrive to the warehouse earlier in the morning. And if Roy didn't have his breakfast before he left for work, he would be grumpy all day long.

Pam rushed to make coffee, eggs and bacon. Only when she was finished and the food was on the table, ready to be eaten, she dared to look at the clock again.

6:56 AM.

She sighed with deep relief, poured herself some coffee and tried to think of an excuse to tell Roy of why she hadn't slept on their bed but on the kitchen, in case he'd noticed that. (She didn't think he had, though, since Roy was a deep-sleeper, especially if he drank, and last night at the party she'd seen him drink more than just a couple of glasses.)

That was when she remembered. _Casino Night. The confession. The kiss. _

The coffee cup slipped through her shaking hands and fell to the floor, shattering into a million pieces, while the memories replayed inside her mind like a movie. _Casino Night. The confession. The kiss. _

Then, along came the revelation.

_I have feelings for my best friend and I have doubts about my engagement._

_Oh my God._

Appalled as she was, she didn't notice him walking into the kitchen, until she heard his voice calling her name.

"Pam?"

She didn't answer, too shocked to move a muscle.

"Pam, are you okay?"

It took her all of her willpower to plaster a weak smile on her face, turn around and speak. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Roy didn't seem too convinced, but he shrugged and sat on one of the kitchen chairs. "Good, breakfast's ready."He took a fork and a knife and started eating from his plate.

"What's with the coffee cup? You dropped it?"He asked, pointing at the pieces with the fork.

"Yeah, I dropped it."She said as she knelt down and started picking the tiny bits of ceramics from the floor. Her back was turned on Roy. She couldn't help a sigh of exasperation when she heard his voice again.

"Why?"

"Why _what_?"

"Why did you drop it?"

She rolled her eyes, tried to ignore how idiot his question was and looked up to face him."Oh, who knows? Probably because I'm clumsy."

Roy nodded in agreement, as he shoved a forkful of bacon into his mouth.

She rubbed her temples with her hands and finished putting the pieces of the cup into the garbage can. As she moved to the sink to wash her hands, Roy called after her again.

"Pammy?"

"Yeah."Her tone was filled with an impossible to hide, inevitable exhaustion. "What is it?"

He finished chewing and swallowed before answering. "Could you give me a ride? I don't feel like driving today."

She sighed again and looked down for a minute. "Okay. Tell me when you're ready. I'll go dressing up."She mumbled before heading towards their bedroom.

Once she was there, she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to gather up the necessary strength and willpower to make it through that day, the first day after that night that had changed so much, but she couldn't find them anywhere within her.

And it didn't help that the engagement ring on her fourth finger felt heavier than a stone would have.

The clock stroke 7:15 AM.


End file.
